ISRAEL - THANK THE GOOD MAN UPSTAIRS!!
This place is amazing... Oozing with knowledge, dripping with adventure, controlled by a stoned secular government, littered with obscenities, swarming with Arabs, infested with stray cats, encompassed by activities to do every second of every day, and consumed with holiness.
WHEREVER THERE IS AN ADDED HEIGHT IN HOLINESS, THERE MUST BE AN EQUALLY LOW UN-HOLY STATE.
Never, Ever, Ever stay in an ARMENIAN HOSTEL in the heart of Jerusalem. Or anywhere. Here's why...
Wanna know what it's like to have to put all of your belongings into a metal locker and take the key with you to the bathroom??? (underwires are a great hiding place for a keychain...simply tuck it into the middle bar. It's really quite fantastic)

There was no lock on our door. "dor-mit-ree" she called it (the armenian freaky lady). We pushed our metal beds with inch thin mattresses (more like pancakes) together and put my hair-cutting scissors between us, "for a weapon," I told Moriel. And I kept my cellphone nearby. Just in case. I had nightmares of the Armenian/Arabic men sleeping there - that they'd come and rape us. They pretended to be Jewish. As IF. lol. but it really wasn't too funny then. It was freakish and scary as hell. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thank G-d Moriel was there. What will I do when she goes off to get married? (oh man, and i got so emotional with her on shabbat when we were discusing how right and holy she had gone about this whole thing. Life-changing thing. Makes me feel kind of helpless. OY - shes so holy. I am so not.) Who is gonna want me?

THANK GOD
& Thanks guys for the encouragement.
Israel is great and I am loving it.
Call or email, amigos.
femmefatale48@gmail.com
52-604-2226
niQ

AND NOW I AM FREAKING OUT
seriously losing it...Is this what I want to do? NO!!!!
How did I let myself get into this? WHYYyyy???? This is not me at all...
This is who I am:
The one who always makes the best of every situation. The one who smiles when you tell her "NO." The one who doesn't give in; doesn't give up.

I'M GOING TO DO THIS. I'm going to MAKE it me, regardless of how taxing it will be.
But Mashiach would still be real cool. Like RIGHT NOW.

MASHIACH - i never wanted him so badly till now.

I decided to vent here. To let out my fears and trepidations.
Growing up, I always viewed seminary as something only really, really religious girls did. I thought that I would be some big-shot intelligent businesswoman, with some kind of career, right? Well, boy, was I wrong. Here I am...DAYS from committing to something very serious. This year will ultimately define who I am. Or who I am not. Because the truth is that I never had my heart set on seminary. This is what really happened...
Last summer I went to Israel and not too surprisingly, I fell in love. With the land, the people, the lifestyle, the holiness, and everything else that comes with it. It was just cool. New. An experience. I knew that I couldn't stay away. I also knew that the only way I could live there (sooner rather than wait till later) was to apply to seminary. So I did. But Only after so much pressure! From fellow students, rabbis, teachers, my principal, and a brother or two. So I FINALLY got accepted. FINALLY. I hope no one has to ever go through that torure...
(ill continue in a few...this is wearing me out.)

this blogging thing is getting to me. or maybe im just in a bad mood.
i hate when that saying proves true, "Man plans and G-d laughs." It makes me ill. Just when things look so promising...and I start to get really excited...that's when hell breaks loose and it all slowly crumbles at my feet.
And then I feel let down. Like I let myself down and I made it possible for others to get me down. And the only reason I let it get to me is because I put so much energy and emotion into what I do. Every action, event, activity...I really give it all too much of myself. So that when it inevitably fails me, I am left with a huge hole in my heart, in the exact spot where that enthusiasm and excitement was.
I would hate being numb. That's why I've trained myself to infuse everything with life and spirit. Everything has its reward or consequence and however much I put in I'll either benefit more from the increased energy or I'll just be hurt more when all does not suit my "plan."
But I cannot imagine changing. For all of the downs, there are so many more ups. Were I to not infuse as much energy into everything, my life would be just about as boring as anyone elses.
Nope - Nothing will get me down. I am the most determined, resolved, undeterred. I won't be broken.

SKYFLYING
something ive always wanted to do. used to dream of it. the thrill. exhiliration. i can see myself tumbling out of a plane, air rushing right through me, falling, falling, down, down, down... and now that my friend is going im like AAHHHHHH!!
CAN I BE YOU?
imagine signing ur life away to do something so exhilirating and thrilling. I am so there.
"Write on a piece of paper, SHE LOVES ME, and keep it in your pocket while your going down," i said.

Been driving around like a madwoman for the past few days - radio or eagles or goo goo dolls or kevin lyttle or someone special on FULL BLAST - dropped DAD at airport so I've got the car till i fly out TOMORROW - YEEHAAWWW!!
"California, here we come. Right back where we started from... California!!!"
HOLY WOWIE... gotta pack.
WATAMIGONNA DOOOOO??????????????????????

Got my license today...
BTW thanks for blogging for me, whoever has taken that liberty.

frizball: i think blog creators are a cult, sucking ppl into their tribe..

Comments, anyone???

just the five of us...

nvmd. i may never see you.
no matter how many ppl claim that they love me
it doesnt change the cruelty out there.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YA, BABE!

I JUST BOUGHT MY TICKET!!!!
YEEEEEHAAAAWWW!!!!

My AP English Lit. teacher thinks I should send this in to the New Yorker magazine. I'd like some feedback first, though. Here goes...

Departing Anxiety

A clinging child torn from his mother,
The child bereft of the nurturing milk,
Longing to bond with his familiar source.

A flock of birds on a driven journey,
Seeking at last better surroundings,
For etching out a new concourse.

A sailor leaving the raging waves,
Which sustained him from the beginning of time.
He withdraws with conflicted remorse.


A caterpillar in a home spun of silk,
Transforming against a will of her own,
Emerges a creature of beauty, of course.

As she takes flight anguish tugs at her core,
Though all new journeys do bring new light.
Anguish forever her driving force:

Will she be a memory, drowning where cast?
Or will she remain at one with her past?
Only Time will tell if her legacy will last.

shvex. thats all.

watch out, buster.

WANNA KNOW JUST HOW GAY?
As gay as a flamingo... in a tutu... singing "bye bye Miss American Pie"... on a rock... in a huge fountain... in the middle of Lake George. THAT'S how gay!
With one leg stretched out in an expression of, "hello, like WHAT are you TALKING about? Oh my GAWD!" THATS's how gay.

(follow up on appointment with gay neighbors this morning)
- they liked my knives, at least... but yah, no doubt about it...
Gay as Gay as Gay as Gay as Gay is and always will be.
(kinda sounds like that could be a song. have a crack at it.)

It takes 14 truths to make up for one non-truth. That's what I remember being told as a kid. Don't know why they use that exact number - that's not the point - but the concept rings true, regardless. No matter how many truths you've ever told, one non-truth can bring u down. Way down.
On the other hand, some people find that they overrate themselves. In that case, it is said, that one who does that, will not leave this world before achieving that which he aspires to achieve. This might be difficult to understand... Basically let's say that someone decided to pretend his new life away, that he was a millionare. Well, he finally would one day become one because he'd have to prove his assets. Whatever, it's a lame example. Anyone have anything better, feel free...

Another thing, sometimes we convince ourselves of something. We can get so caught up in the action, in the stories we tell - and okay I'll speak for myself - sometimes it becomes difficult to see the difference between reality and exaggeration. When it hits you the hardest is when you realize that the one security you had, the one person you trusted with your mind, emotion, spirit, and heart, has blurred this vision of conception. It is then that you begin doubting yourself - your judgment, your aggression, and your emotions.

A lesson on BULLSHITTING

No one and I repeat no one can bullshit a bullshitter.
And... even with something as seemingly insignificant as this:
I was once told that I'd make any gay man go straight --well I set up an appointment for Monday morning to show my CUTCO stuff to the gay guys next door. I'm not planning on dressing up for the occassion, but if one of those guys don't move out within say... a year (I'll be nice and give an extended time period) then I will constitute the person who said that to me a liar! (heh heh)
Oh, and about CUTCO - i don't know. I'm getting really nervous. I took someone's suggestion and did a search on VECTOR marketing and what I found confirmed my suspicions. Yes, these guys definitely know how to manipulate and squeeze what little mula college-age kids might have out of them, but I will not fall for that shit. Now that I am aware and that what I initially felt has been confirmed, I will use the company's resources to the best of my ability. Hey, maybe I'll pick up a few scamming tips myself. If not, maybe I can teach them a thing or two.

But I knew something was definitely wrong when I found myself telling little white-lies for the company. I don't want to be cheating my customers, especially the ones I have now - all people I know, in my own community. Well, I am greatly disturbed and plan to speak to some of the hotties at work about this. The reason I say hotties is (in addition to the plain and simple truth pertaining to some of the above mentioned parties) that I think that the good-looking guys are who do the best at being salespeople. Mothers love having nice, young, handsome, polite boys over to sell them knives. The really anxious ones will only buy one knife and call him back a couple of weeks later to stop by their house again to sell them more CUTCO. Who knows what will happen? I plan to stick around for as long as I feel that I am ahead of them...and then hopefully beat it before they catch on.